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July 2010

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Jul. 14th, 2010

(no subject)

Every time I clean my room...I find more memories of you, and I just don't know what to do with them...

May. 6th, 2010

(no subject)

Let me know when my best friend comes back, idk who you are anymore...and yes, I already know it's my fault.

May. 1st, 2010

(no subject)

Fuck you.

May 15th...i've already started packing my bags. Not sure exactly where I am heading, but i'm going until I find something that'll feel like more of a home to me,

Apr. 24th, 2010

(no subject)

I can't even look at myself in the mirror, I despise the person i've become. The only thing I want in this entire world if to prove I can be the person she needs and wants (wanted) me to be...but it is too late now. And now we don't even know if we can be friends anymore. She is my world, even as just a friend, she is the person I talk to all day, the person I go to with all my problems, everything. When we fight, I have no one to go to. No one. Anyone I try to tells me it's not worth being upset over her anymore, or just that they don't know what to say and want to stay out of it. I've driven everyone away. Everyone. I can be friends with you, and god damnit you know it. But to see you grinding and dancing and being inches away from other guys faces, it just drove me nuts...so much sunk in. There are thousands of guys that will treat you so much better than I did...that tears apart what little pride I have left. You did nothing wrong. You don't understand that I yelled at my parents for treating you that way and for thinking this is your fault. My dad yelled back at me, and all I did was stand up for you. I got in the car off the T and was furious at my mom for how she talked to you on the phone. There isn't anything to keep me going. I don't want attention from any girl anymore...and when you told me after the Celtics game that you didn't want any attention from guys, I have no clue what you mean now. When I saw when Kenny said "hey beautiful", I got a little jealous...but its the fact that you saved it that made me sad. She's already found someone that makes her feel better about herself...I want to be happy for you, i'm trying...but please just look where I'm coming from Bria. I broke your heart, I walked all over you...which means you should have walked away. I was still here clinging on, crying and apologizing and never having a reason to lose any love for you. If you saw me dancing with other girls, or falling for some other girl, you'd be a little jealous and upset...but you'd expect it...you expect me to keep being Bobo for the rest of my life. The reason I want to move is to get rid of Bobo...the reason I want to move is you. I can't move on, it's insanely hard...i'm not attracted to any girl I see anymore. It took this to realize how in love with you I was...and now that I finally realized it, it's too late and I lost you for good. And now all I do is live in false hope...I ignore the fact that you're moving to Toronto and probably never coming back to Easton. You realize what we are going to be right? We will see each other once a year, maybe...and if I don't try and get you back by the time you move, then we'll lose everything we've had for the last 8 years. I've never needed someone in my life so bad before...I know this is all over the place, and I seriously doubt you will ever sit down and read all this. I can be friends...I really can...but if you want to stop at just friends, and not be best friends, I can't do that. And you need to realize why I don't want to get over you...I can for now, but part of me will always be in love with you, and its going to be next to impossible to not try and get you to see how much of a better person i'll be before you leave for Toronto. I never been so scared in my life, and I need you so bad..

Apr. 6th, 2010

(no subject)

I think i'm going to transfer...and move. I've put a lot of thought into it. I just run around in circles here, get nowhere. Maybe transfer out to AZ, maybe back to Texas...somewhere out west. I want to just clear my phone book and start from scratch...I know i've thought about it before, but I feel more certain than ever this time. Maybe join the reserves, I could get good benefits, good pay...find another part time job until I graduate. I think i'm going to do it...soon..

Mar. 28th, 2010

(no subject)

I have absolutely no one to go to anymore...I've pushed everyone away....and I'm sick and tired of people acting like they are unbiased, then when I try and talk, they put me down for what i've done. Don't you think I fucking know by now what I fucking did? Don't you think that I understand that I don't deserve her and she deserves someone better than me? I get it. Thanks. It just sucks having absolutely no one to talk to anymore...

Mar. 24th, 2010

(no subject)

My room is filled with reminders of you...everytime I think everything is getting better and that i'm going to be okay, I look at something else that reminds me of us. The 52 reasons deck of cards, all the pictures, everything...I don't know what to do. I just want to stop crying every night...

Mar. 22nd, 2010

(no subject)

Everything was going so well...we took a big step yesterday, I was so happy for the rest of the day, and for today...

...then I found my "snuggle monster IOU book" in my desk drawer and realized I'll never get to cash any of those in...and I lost it.

This is going to be harder than I thought...

Mar. 18th, 2010

(no subject)

Every night its the same thing. Clear mind, good mood...then right before I go to bed, I make myself miserable again. I think about everything. It is so repetitious..all these horrible scenarios play through my head...I think the worst about everything. Then when I wake up, the day goes by and I get better. Afternoons are okay, nights are pretty good. Then right before I go to bed, I do it again. I've got 95 percent of me back on track at least :\

(no subject)

I got ditched by my "friends" tonight...how was I so fucking arrogant to realize you were right? Why not listen to the one person...that even before we dated knew EVERYTHING about me, who knew who was a real friend to me and who wasn't...

I ignored her, so I could have drinking buddies...what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!

Why was I too arrogant to listen to my best friend trying to tell me what was right?

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